The Daily Fight.

The Daily Fight.

This is a personal blog about my mental health issues. I won’t be offended if you don’t read it as I know it’s not a regular instalment of wild camping fun and happy stuff!

It may seem a little disjointed as It has been added to at different times..

For those of you that do read it I hope it goes some way to explaining about me and how things aren’t always as they appear.

So, this a wild camping blog? Right? Well, yes, it is, but this time it’s going to be about something that some of you are aware of and some aren’t. It is partly an explanation of how I got into wild camping and needing solitary time on the hill..

I really don’t know where to start. Anxiety is something I have suffered with for a long time. When my mum got sick 9 years ago, I was rocked. I watched my mum – the most important person in my life, die. Now, death is cruel in all its forms, but this death was more distressing, more cruel and earth shattering than any other death I had been exposed to because it was taking my best friend away. I watched it take her ability to feed herself, to draw-her biggest passion, to communicate, I knew I would never hear her tell me she loved me again. I watched he as her hair fell out from the radiotherapy, her skin lost its colour and then at last she was in a hospice and I knew it wouldn’t be long before she and us were released from this 8 months of torture. The day she passed was the saddest day of my life. My dad had lost his soul mate and we, our mum. But me, I had lost my best friend. Now, my point is, this shit changes you. You are never the same….ever.

The anxiety started during her illness, I was in a shopping centre when I was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to leave. I couldn’t swallow and thought I was going to faint or be sick. I ran to an alley and stood there, terrified to move or go back into the centre. I tried to put it down to a lot of things. I prayed it was a blip but the attacks became more frequent. I couldn’t go into meetings at work, public transport was a definite no, getting in a car as a passenger, having people in my car when I was driving, no, cinemas, shopping centres, aeroplanes, pubs, drinking hot drinks in public-stupid, yes?? No…. I lost the ability to swallow drinks if other people were with me…  …I was becoming trapped. I found reasons not to do things if it involved anything that may bring on an attack…I eventually went to the doctors, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety. I was put on Beta Blockers. For four years, I took them until eventually things started to level a little. I still avoided all the situations that I knew could bring on an attack.

I found sanctuary in the mountains. I guess this is where the bivvying became so important to my well-being. Despite my back pain (which I was dealing with also) I would force myself out. I went into the mountains when I knew nobody else would be around. In a way, I thought I was ‘healing’ ok. I still think this is the case…But now and then something happens that is out of our control.

The following happened recently…

I had wanted to see Placebo for years but a gig this big took a lot of courage and ‘manning up’. With help of Paul my friend, I did it. I felt anxious but I did it. This was a huge deal for me. A huge step forward..Then, the following day I walk into Asda and boom. A massive attack. I literally ran out of the supermarket….I sat in my car crying. I was crestfallen. I couldn’t put my finger on a trigger..

The next day I had a staff meeting at work and our Xmas party in the evening. In the morning, I was edgy, lacking in focus. I walked over the park and realised I had forgotten my shop keys… I went into the coffee shop and then wandered up to work. David let me in and I explained that the day prior I had suffered an anxiety attack and that I would like him and Steve to be my voice at the meeting. The whole team were soon in the store. As Ali walked in I looked at her and she caught my eye, she came straight behind the counter and I grabbed her arm, I knew what was happening, what took place next was the most terrifying experience ever. I was hysterical, shaking, hyperventilating, confusion, nausea, fear…I looked as the guys watched in horror and pity as I broke down. Steve and Ali holding me up and trying to get me to breathe. It was the worst attack I’d ever had. I searched my confused head for triggers and found nothing. I felt beaten down. I was now in fear. The day passed in a blur. I tried to focus on work, sitting in the office trying to rewire my brain. Dave came and sat with me on his lunch, we watched a cycling video, it was a good distraction. Then Steve came up. He complained about his lunch tasting naff. I decided to try to go to the shop floor when Steve was finished. I walked apprehensively downstairs and to the counter. Dave was there too. The guys suggested I should maybe try to come to the party….This was like poking a fire that just needed a little oxygen..I was almost running out of the shop..Steve was hot on my heels and I was outside again in a similar position as the morning. I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was I was terrified.

I decided the best place for me was home. I cried all the way back in the car. The sense of relief as I locked the door behind me was overwhelming. In my head, I knew this was not healthy as you can’t stay locked up forever and I knew I could only postpone ‘real life’ for a short time before I would have to sort myself out. But how? How do you sort out something that you are totally bemused about? I searched my head for answers. Soon it was full and spinning. I tried to focus. I knew that one thing that was important was work. I was going into my buying season for Winter 17. I was in Manchester on the Friday to see Patagonia. Surely, I would be ok. I sat with a glass of wine and stared at the flames in the fire. I liked watching the fire; it offered more entertainment for me than TV.

Over the next 24 hours the phone rang and pinged, I ignored calls and communicated by message. I couldn’t face talking as I knew I would cry. People who are very dear to me were trying to reach out but I pretended they weren’t there by putting my phone onto silent and ,making the cat chase the laser pen as a distraction. I slept uneasily with the help of amitriptyline.

The next day I would drive to Manchester and see Patagonia for my appointment…right? Wrong… I went to see Marc first (my boyfriend). He reassured me I would be ok. I knew already I wasn’t going. It was not going to happen, the thought of going filled me with dread. Marc had gone to work….I sat crying in the car again trying desperately to make myself go…no. I text Steve apologetically. I was embarrassed and upset. I went to Marc’s and blitzed his house, I moved furniture and cleaned. At least I would achieve something and kill the hours that would pass until he came home at 9.45pm. I then decided to try the shops. This was a massive challenge. My friend Paul had suggested putting my headphones in and trying to focus on my music. I walked into Poundstretcher (don’t laugh!) I wanted something for Marc’s bathroom. My heart pounded as I walked around. As I got further from the door I clutched my neatly folded plastic bag -this comes everywhere with me in case I’m sick….stupid eh? No…. it’s like a lifeline. I grabbed the bits I needed and made for the checkout, it was empty.. The girl was really pleasant behind the counter. She asked if I had a new bathroom. No, I replied, a new boyfriend! She laughed as we exchanged glances, she had noticed my hands shaking…I was embarrassed now and the panic was rising in my chest. Just made it I thought.. I dashed to the car and dumped the bags. Now, in my head I just achieved something amazing….Mental? Sometimes when I think about what I’m writing it is completely off the wall. The fact that going into a shop is seen as a major achievement is utterly bonkers but sadly very real. So, as I’d achieved such greatness I was eyeing Asda up…I picked up my bag and headed to the entrance. I thought about pizza, but there was no time to think, it had started. I grabbed a flat bread and went straight to the self-checkout. That was a bit of a failure. I was in a mess by the time I got to the car… The one thing that is certain about anxiety is that it is irrational…totally irrational. I was glad to be back in the safety of the car.

It would appear now that everything in my head was a challenge. My thought processes were reverting back to a few years ago. I was already making up stupid and irrational scenarios in my head. Everything was focussing on anxiety and how I would cope. Work, friends, my dad etc

The scenarios have continued to rear up. For instance, I decide to go into the Lakes for a bivvy.. I spend the whole journey being terrified by the thought of going into my favourite coffee shop in Coniston. Would I be able to ‘swallow’ my coffee or would I stare at it and then take the tiniest of sips and fight to get it to go down. It’s like my throat closes and that’s it, I’ll gag and maybe I’ll be sick in front of everyone…the spiral starts. This is before I am even there…

Today I am in bed. A trigger last week (which I can’t talk about yet) has left me in another state of being mentally dysfunctional.

I hate myself for not being able to just get up and sort myself out. I hate myself for being weak. I hate the pain I have to deal with. The way tramadol makes me feel sick. I hate the way anxiety and pain exhaust me to the point of tears, to the point where I second guess everything, to the point that my head is never quiet, guilt, suffering, pity, hate, sorrow, loathing. Tinnitus at 2am when all the world is quiet but my head is so noisy. Over processing every scenario. Wanting to make plans but knowing I’ll cancel them anyway.

Some days I avoid going for coffee with people I’ve known for years in the outdoor industry because I worry that I won’t be able to have my drink in case I start to feel anxious and can’t swallow…

I expect a big question for most people reading this is ‘Why not get help’?

I’ve had counselling – for quite a while after mum passed. I was also on Beta Blockers for 4 years ( as I previously mentioned) to control the attacks. I was weaned off them and don’t welcome going back to them.

I also now have the added problem of the acceleration of my back pain. The doctor joked once when he was prescribing Amitriptyline that whilst this drug was for a muscle relaxing purposes it was also used for depression – after all he said, most people who are in pain everyday will also suffer from depression. I guess he had a point. I hadn’t really thought about it before, I suppose I was used to the grind of the daily pain.

The other medication I’m on – Tramadol has side effects that if you read you would probably never take them… Sadly I don’t have that choice.

The vicious circle..

Tramadol – side effects include anxiety and nausea. But there are days that if I don’t take them I cannot function and would struggle to go to work full time. So, I can be pain free but have increased anxiety and symptoms that relate to anxiety.

Amitriptyline – make you feel hungover but stop me having nerve spasms through the night which would otherwise wake me up. These allow me to sleep most nights but make me feel hungover – also similar symptoms to bring on an anxiety attack.

So, it’s a bit of a ‘Catch 22’… Obviously, I’ve tried many different types of medication to find a better solution… But, it seems there would never be an easy option.

The solution. All I can do is carry on trying to function as normally as possible. I know there will always be times when I cannot do the things I want to do. That may be going for dinner or going to the shops or having a coffee, getting a lift to somewhere, using public transport. The things that most people take for granted are the things that can consume my thoughts for hours..I have tried Mindfulness and it does work to a degree but I think that there are some things we are allowed to accept as our own normality..

I cannot really remember being carefree and pain free. (this isn’t a sympathy hunt..). The days of rationality are long in the past for me. This is now my life.

When I went to counselling more recently I was asked about my childhood etc. I felt like the counsellor was looking for other reasons behind my anxiety.. As he dug around in my past I had to tell him as I could tell where he was heading! I told him I wasn’t interfered with as child, I wasn’t abused. I had a strict upbringing but that was a good thing as I’ve grown to be a disciplined and honest person. I wasn’t bullied, I left home young but it taught me to be independant and streetwise. All I knew was I missed my mum and I was in constant pain with my back..

I felt like I wasn’t really being listened to. Like there should be something else that was causing my anxiety. I thought long and hard about this…(too much as usual). I decided counselling had one benefit for me. It had made me realise that some of us can’t be fixed. Not by talking, medication, therapy or anything else for that matter.

I felt it was time to be honest with myself. As I sit here in bed feeling sick from the tramadol and struggling to function normally (it’s a nice day outside and that’s where I should be)…I have come to the conclusion that this is how I am now. These conditions that I suffer are part of me that I can’t change. I am allowed to be like this. I don’t have to get help. All I can do is help myself. I will try to stay fit and active as my back allows. I’ll take my painkillers when I have to. I will have anxiety attacks. I will struggle with all those things that most people take for granted because its who I am now. I am a product of everything that has happened in my past. This is my life. I’ll never be fully free of pain and it will deteriorate and I will take all this in my stride. My friends and colleagues will have to accept that from time to time I may not be able to make it to work because of how I am on that day. I know I can’t go to the climbing wall, yoga classes, the gym…All these places are now ‘no go’ areas as they are all places where I know I am increasing my chances of having an attack..

I also know that sometimes it stems from my back pain. I become ground down and don’t always realise how much it’s getting to me. The desperation to keep pushing myself so I don’t fail at work or miss a night on the hill or be there for someone else takes its toll and before I know it it’s all got too much and I’m on my knees. (or that’s how it feels). But this is ok. It is what it is. We are allowed to be tired. We are allowed to throw the towel in from time to time when it gets too much.

This is just a small part of my story. But I do feel that even putting this small snippet out there it may help others in some small way that are also suffering in similar ways to me.

(Or you may just decide I am bonkers and should be avoided at all times!)

Mental health issues and problems come in many different forms. It can be destructive and frightening to suffer from any form or condition whether it be Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar, PTSD amongst others. The battles are often (as I know from friends who suffer) debilitating and exhausting. I never thought I would be someone  who would be here as one of those people. I wrote this because at times I feel like everything is pointless. Today I made a step toward accepting my ‘nutty’ problems and moving forward carrying them as best I can as oppose to trying constant ways to rid myself of them and failing miserably.

Keep trucking people.

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29 thoughts on “The Daily Fight.

  1. Read it Kate and thanks for being so honest, I cried all the way through.
    My wife is suffering from mental health issues but never explains the problems. This has gone a long way to make me know how she feels. Would love to meet you someday Kate, obviously no pressure😉x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww Mark. It’s very difficult to talk about. I hope she opens up when she is ready. Maybe ask her to read the blog. I’m really mindful of how my problems affect other people which is part of the reason I wrote this article. We will definitely meet up soon x

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  2. I read this with sympathy and empathy. I know exactly what you mean about drinking in public and feeling unable to swallow. I started with a panic attack out of the blue when I was in my late 20s. I really thought I was going to die- high pulse rate, closed in vision, feeling faint, dizzy, etc. Anyhow, the upshot of it was that I couldn’t eat or drink in public at all and only very slowly in private for six months. I calculated I was living a a couple of hundred calories a day. For years I struggled with the problem, compounded by being a naturally slow eater which makes me feel everyone is looking at me, but it has got better over the years. I also am scared stiff driving on motorways and often feel sick travelling on buses and trams (hello plastic bag!). Hence my empathy.

    Counselling didn’t work for me either. However, I have developed a few tricks that help me that I’d like to share with you. They might work for you or they might not but it’s worth a try maybe.
    1. Panic attacks cause hyperventilating which exacerbates the feeling of being panicked so you hyperventilate more. The first thing to do is realise that this will happen and try to keep breathing slowly and deeply rather than short, rapid breathes. Easier said than done I know.
    2. If you can’t control your breathing a good way to reduce the oxygen in the blood is to breathe through a paper bag. The exhaled breath contains more co2 and less oxygen so as you rebreathe that the excess oxygen level in the blood comes down. If,you smoke, lighting up a cigarette and using the paper bag is very effective.
    3. Build a mental space in your mind where you can retreat to for a few minutes if you feel an attack coming on. Mine is the campsite at Keswick and I imagine it’s a lovely sunny day and I’m by the lakeside enjoying the dappled water, quiet and warmth. Yours will probably be at the top of a mountain in a blizzard with nothing but a bivi bag😀 Whatever, if it works then it’s good. I’ve found even when doing aerobic exercise my heart rate drops by 10-15bpm pretty quickly when I do that.
    4. Practice Shi Bashi Tai Chi. Not only is it good for the body in many ways but it teaches you to focus on controlling your breathing and doing properly plus, once you’ve got the moves down pat, I find I enter a mediative state which is very relaxing/calming. It’s all about control of the mind and body.
    5. Keep on exposing yourself to whatever are your particular triggers. I don’t mean “full-on” but gentle versions of it. If you don’t like driving with passengers try getting someone to sit in the car while it’s parked and you talk to them. Once you’re happy with that, try driving down the road, then round the block and gradually increase the distance. Take your time building up your exposure. Anytime you fell uncomfortable just stop and try again later. It’s not a failure because you are desensitising yourself to a particular stimulus and have just gone a little too far that time.

    I wish you the best and hope my strategies might help you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for this. The plastic bag has to go everywhere with me. 😬🙄it’s my security blanket. And thanks for all the other tips. So helpful. And yes to bivvy bags and blizzards!

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      1. Yep! I know about the security blanket thing.

        I found the key to dealing with it is to understand what’s happening inside the body. Basically, anyone who gets a panic attack is reacting with a “fight or flight” mechanism. Because the person affected is vey sensitive to whatever the situation is their brain detects extreme danger so a lot of hormones are released. This causes the body to take in lots of oxygen so enabling fast flight or ability to fight. It’s likely there’s a feeling of wanting to go to the toilet so excess weight can be jettisoned. At the same time senses become heightened so the person becomes acutely aware of movement, noise, light, etc and becomes focussed on the threat so causing tunnel vision. Most people, including me, know logically that the threat level is low to zero but the emotional side doesn’t do logic so panic kicks in because they have nothing to actually fight or run from.

        I found once I understood my body was reacting to a perceived threat so generating a unnecessary survival mechanism things became clearer. My logical side could start to overrule the emotional side and the stuff I wrote about earlier could be used. I’m not pretending it’s an instant fix but they did work for me in the end. I still get the odd start of a panic attack but now I can usually fight it off.

        The other thing that helped was acceptance. I accepted I was, for whatever reason, hypersensitive to some situations that I couldn’t avoid. I accepted that sometimes I could deal with it and sometimes I couldn’t. I accepted that if I couldn’t deal with it then some people might find it “odd” but, in the scheme of things, it didn’t matter one iota; I might have a “wap” but nobody was injured and nobody died.

        You’re in the depths of it now but you’ll get through it. I know that because you can go out and Bivvy in winter on the tops of mountains and anyone who can do that has mental fortitude to spare! Seriously, it will take time and there will be bad days/weeks but it really does become easier.

        I’ll be static camping in Keswick and Bowness in early June with a friend as we plan to do some day walks so if you’d like to talk about it face to face one evening you’re more than welcome. Bring your bf along – he can keep my mate company while we explore our “issues” then we can all drink irresponsibly and have a good laugh, trade stories of heroic deeds and mishaps on the hills, etc. No pressure, no commitment but if you want to the offer is there.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Kate, you do not have to suffer. Health in body and mind is our birthright – our bodies want to be healthy and strive to be healthy but sometimes life’s difficulties set us into certain habits that may be unconscious. There is an extremely effective technique called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) which is based in Energy Psychology and Eden Energy Medicine that you might like to try. Look at http://www.innersource.net/ep/ for more details and click on Case Histories, FAQs etc…
    There are Certified Practitioners in UK who can help. If you can’t find any, get in touch. I’ve been helped by it (not anxiety) , and I know others who have had brilliant results, and my world has opened up and is getting better and happier than ever before! As you mention, we don’t all want to go over and over the past. These techniques are practical and can be very quick ways of dealing with life-limiting mind patterns. You do not have to be in a prison for the rest of your life, you just have to be ready to try something to change it. Very best of luck, Sian
    PS I’ve just bought a bivvy – now I just need a mountain!! You inspire me! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dang Kate… I’ve shed a tear for you my friend. This took some doing, this post and your strength for doing so and for fighting your daily fight is truly inspirational. Personally I have only ever touched on the fringes of anxiety and depression, a tribute to the strength and attitude gifted to me by my poor departed mum. Yet I know how hard it must be to live with these illnesses from the experience of friends and family who have suffered. I can only send you my good wishes and thoughts. You seem to me to be a very courageous and bright soul. Another thing my mum gave me is the notion to never give up hope and to always find the positives in life no matter how small. As an aside I have always found cats to be great stress and pain relievers and can imagine that Merlot is a great solace to you in your darkest moments. Kind thoughts and best wishes your way xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Kate. I can really empathise with you here. It takes a lot to admit stuff like this. I had to visit First Steps last year when things got on top of me. My Mum got dementia and my wife was diagnosed with a brain tumor and Acromegaly (look it up.. not pleasant). I had to deal with Social Services, PIP claims, NHS, etc and it left me drained. My wife has amitriptyline for her pain so I know the effects that can have too . I’ll be off up Black Sail on my mtb first thing in the morning. That will be my tonic for another anxious week. Loveya Kate. Stay Strong.

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  6. Hi Kate, it took great courage to open yourself up on this blog and I give you great credit. I have suffered similar to yourself for different reasons and came to the same conclusion as you did that I will never be ‘cured’ but can learn to manage my life and accept myself. I also wish to comment on the ‘counselling’. I am a fully qualified counsellor and have been for years but moved into another career path. There are different types of counselling and for people to just offer ‘counselling’ is very misleading. There is one philosophy of counselling that concentrates on the belief that everything is caused by a childhood trauma and I am sorry to say a lot of counsellors seem to read a book and get stuck in this agenda to the extent that the client no longer is being listened to. Avoid like the plague!! Remember what ‘counselling’ actually is. If you go back to basics before we had ‘counsellors’ we had people who were wise, experienced in life, could hold a secret, would listen and let you express your fears and let you explore your feelings and maybe help you to solve your own dilema’s. These people came from close friends, neighbours, family, tribal elders, so ‘counsellors’ have been around since time began and for some people to train in one discipline and then pressure you to fit within their expertise is wrong. A person knows deep down where their problems stem from and with the right help can overcome this. I suggest if you decide to explore counselling again you go to a NPL (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) practitioner (no, I am not one but have studied and use it on myself). NPL basically deals with YOU know your problems, and that by changing your present behaviour you develop coping strategies that help you live a better life and cope with issues. It sounds a fancy name but actually it’s what your already doing for yourself everytime you develop a coping strategy of your own. Supermarkets are a terrible trigger for lots of people including myself, yet are an essential of our modern day life. I fight the fight everyday to lead the modern life – meetings, cafes, shopping…..its so hard when you want to run and sit in nature, quiet and peaceful but have to find a balance. What I have to ask myself though is – is it us as human beings who cannot cope and are somehow lacking? or is it modern life itself that isn’t actually healthy for humans??
    Keep smiling
    Ann x

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  7. Thank you for being so honest! This helps me to open my mind to mental health issues and to remember to be and to show compassion more often than not. I do believe you have found the road/trail to better health as you said, “I must do this.” I don’t take these words lightly but know this is the right direction to go. You are the one that will build the bridges and for your own health concerns. Spending time outside is key to this . . . toss in daily yoga . . . eating the best foods you can find as well. Thank you for sharing and I really enjoy your trips!

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  8. Wow Kate how brave to put this down in words. In my early twenties I suffered panic attacks and took medication for many years before deciding I needed to stop taking them which I eventually managed to do. I also remember going out to restaurants and only having a very small black coffee as I refused to eat in front of others. I do admire you going out onto the fells in all weathers and can understand now your need for this. Be gentle with yourself and do what you feel you can and are happy with, baby steps. Big hugs xx

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  9. Morning Kate.. I’ve followed you and your wild camping for a bit, and all the extreme weather you go out in lol!! And I know how hard it must of been for you to right about what you have gone through as my wife suffers from the same and it’s helped her explain some things after reading it.. Your so brave keep pushing on it will get better..
    Ps did you ever finish that little tattoo on your back 😉

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  10. Hi Kate, your incredibly brave to share what you’re going through on here. I cant really add anything meaningful to the other comments that are far more eloquent than anything I could add to. Just say hang in there and keep going. I’m sure if anyone can overcome what your going through I’d put my money on you. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I’m seriously impressed by your eloquence and bravery in publishing your story – and how strong you’ve been in dealing with your physical and emotional aches and pains.
    I’ll say no more other than that I understand.
    Best wishes……from your Number One fan (although I expect others will claim that title too!)

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Kate,that’s a brave step you’ve made.I had to “Put my balls on the table” in a return to work interview – month off work-for an unsympathetic boss and explain my noise sensitivity/ anxiety issues. Not easy.Here you’re surrounded by caring, loving people who would love to see you in a better place.
    I can’t offer any practical help other than surround yourself in positivity- memories, people and future plans.
    Thank you ,
    PS, the tears that fell into my phone speaker grille didn’t do any damage!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for such kind words Paul. Really appreciated. Like really! I’ve never been here before. Well, not as bad so I’m riding a bit of an unknown storm. All I know is there isn’t an option to go backwards! 🙂

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  13. Hi Kate

    I follow your blog from a busy trading desk in London, where things can get a bit hectic (!). As a fellow wilderness lover (and anxiety sufferer) I find your posts and photos transport me to a calmer, more beautiful place – and in effect I find myself using your blog to vicariously escape the rat race as I imagine myself heading into the hills after work, rather than down to the Central Line.

    After reading this post, which upset me, I realised that we are more similar than I thought and felt compelled to let you know that you have followers in unusual corners of the world that you probably have no idea about

    Whilst there is no easy fix for anxiety, please know that you and your blog and your attitude are unique and very much appreciated and what’s more you have a secret army behind you!

    Take care

    Mark

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks very much for your kind words Mark. It really is very comforting to know I’m not alone in my fight. Life can be incredibly difficult with anxiety and pain. I hope one day you find a way out of the rat race to a more peaceful and quiet place.
      K

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